Sunday, May 4, 2014

Have you seen the girl I was?

Have you seen the girl I was?  She looked somewhat like me.
If you see her would you let me know?  I forget and need reminding.

I remember vividly the teenage me, that one I could do without…the agony, the ecstasy, the wonder, the yearning, the heartbreak, the rollercoaster…I couldn’t survive it today.

The girl of yesterday, the one of my 30’s and 40’s had a heart that would jump with joyous anticipation every time spring arrived.
You see she just loves the sun and all the things that she remembers that follow the month of May.

When she hears that old Beatles tune, “Here Comes the Sun”, she remembers the young girl who heard it for the first time and felt that sentiment so deeply.

She, I… still thinks fondly about the beach, the sand and waves and lazy pleasurable feelings you get just from laying on a blanket under a hot sun.

Today, I’ll think a little about how the sand scratches and the unpleasantness of burned skin as you put on some bit of clothing to get back to wherever you came from after your day of salt water.

I conjure up Cool summer evenings chilled by warm, slightly pink and tanned skin when I think of yesterday.  I see nice dinners, balcony views, love, travel and warmth.

This girl got so happy and excited about Christmas and decorated the house for fun and for others.

But the last two years she set up the tree and couldn’t do the same for her spirit. 
This girl lost so many people, as you do, once you reach a certain age that you don’t get to be with the same ones every holiday, you can’t even pick up the phone to call them anymore.

This girl used to have people over for dinner, liked to have an occasional party and looked forward to so many things.
Don’t get me wrong, life isn’t or wasn’t always fluffy puppies or cotton candy at state fairs.  The child I was and the very young woman I was saw some sadness but life moves on anyway, doesn’t it?   Things smooth out and you do remember the good things.

But today’s me persists in thinking the girl of yesterday seemed to have more surprises, gathered more flowery wreaths around most corners – that girl had the world ahead of her.

I thought I saw the girl I was the other day, but she just peeked out of the corner of my eye and looked around at my world today.
She stayed just a while.
Though I wanted her back, she dove under covers.  I still look for her and wish for her company.

The woman I am today sees the senior I am becoming in the future, the older person I am today…no longer so sprite, so flexible, so filled with the future and possibilities.

The woman I am today lives so much more in the past and in memories, than the girl I was yesterday.

The woman I am today is so much calmer and happier in very simple things.
The woman I am today has so many more answers, but still can’t predict the future; some things never change, do they?

Today, I am happy on a rainy day and just sitting in my favorite chair, reading, doing a puzzle, petting my dogs, writing, surfing the internet, doing nothing.
I don’t have to be on the move all the time, or go someplace every day or have plans.

I still miss her, she was fun.  But she could be tiring.  She was always going somewhere.  She thought too hard and too long.  She let too much hurt.

There is something to be said for serenity.  I’ve earned some wisdom and perspective.   It makes life less painful, more measured, less dramatic. 
I really have the time and the ability to stop and enjoy the butterfly flitting about, the tiny hummingbird in my yard, pretty colors, and a nice nap.

Now, tomorrow, I will blend the two of us and the new us, into me; WE will go forward into the exciting new future of my older years.

I don’t know how many I got, but who knows, I could be around 20 (hell I’d better be with all this yoga I do), 30, maybe 40 or more years.

Maybe, in another 20 years, I’ll meet another me and lust after the person I am today.  In the meantime, I’ll just march on to my own little beat, be it ever so odd, it is me…after all.

How lucky am I, to be here, to think about this, to have been the girl I was and to keep on becoming the person I will eventually be.

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