The world as Stephen Wright sees it

QUOTES BY STEPHEN WRIGHT 

• I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
• Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
• I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music.  Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
• I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.
• I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
• I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• My school colors were clear.
• I'm taking La maze classes.  I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
• I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone.  I said, "The whole time."
• He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.
• Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories .
• I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious.
• I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"  I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."
• I'm a peripheral visionary.